There are lots of words to describe would be conquerors who embark on ill timed campaigns with an army that just isn't properly equipped.
A few examples of these words might be:
Defeated. Dead. Ass-whupped. Loser. Former Ruler. Pieces. Impaled. Flayed. Dismembered and all in all, Treated Very Poorly.
Where I'm going with this is the absolute pinnacle of the Dark Lord's conundrum: finding that perfect balance between the Five Elements of Dark Lording:
Ego, Madness, The Illusion of Freedom, Cold Calculation and, most importantly, Clear Fucking Perception.
EGO: Yes you're one evil, badass motherfucker and you know it. Everyone around you knows it as well, especially your new neighbors. I say new because a little while back they had some other small lands between their nations and your empire, but not anymore. Those wee bitty realms are now yours and you're not the type of despot to wander over and introduce yourself to your new neighbors, perhaps with a home baked pie, and welcome them to the neighborhood.
Nope. You fancy yourself more the 'here's some stew made from your ruling class, eat it or die too' sorta Dark Lord. None of this namby-pamby now's-your-chance-to-surrender stuff
That being said you absolutely cannot allow your Ego to supercede cold hard facts. Rather than beat what will soon become a dead horse, allow me to illustrate this point with an anecdote.
This was a couple of decades past when I was but a mid-career Dark Lord ruling a respectable sized empire spanning our world from pole to pole. One day a messenger from a Southern Dark Lord arrived at my sanctum. In a nutshell the missive stated that this particular leader, whom I'll call Clacachata, wished to strike a deal with me whereby his army could traverse a portion of my lands in exchange for an appropriate toll of course, so he could pursue an ancient enemy towards their northern homelands in an attempt to head them off at the pass so to speak.
I agreed to meet him to hammer out a deal. Clacachata was of the step pyramid, blood-hungry feathered Gods variety, ruler of a vast jungle empire. Yet steel-age rather than stone and with some fearsome Blood-Shamans at his disposal.
I actually felt sorry for whoever he was pursuing, because they were obviously far less accomplished than I and might have to deal with this rainforest bat-fucker whether they wanted to or not.
Whatever, not my problem. As long as I got paid.
And I did. Turns out you can't walk twenty paces in his homeland without tripping over some gold or silver, so he brought a LOT of it.
Not to bore you with the protracted text of our discourse, here's the pertinent part of our conversation that perfectly exemplifies a case of Ego overriding all common sense:
ME: "Well thank you for the gold and silver. I'm pleased we could work out an arrangement that is advantageous to both of us. To avoid utter devastation of your forces, please abide to the letter the accord we have reached. I'd truly hate to have to wipe your army off my map and have you tortured and healed over and over again in a never ending cycle for the next couple of centuries."
CLACACHATA: "My thanks as well. With the passage you have granted my army and the many tons of gold and silver I no longer have to lug around, we shall be able to cut our foes off before they can proceed much farther north. I will follow our agreement closely and you have my word no mischief will be tolerated."
ME: "It is well then and I wish you the best. But tell me, what happens if you are unable to intercept them before they make their way too far north? We're having an unusually mild Autumn to be sure, but Winter is on it's way."
CLACACHATA: "What is Winter?"
ME: "Umm. You know, snow and shit. Where water turns to ice and what not. Very cold."
CLACACHATA: "It gets colder than this?"
ME: *blinks* "You could say that. Have you never seen ice before?"
CLACACHATA: "What is ice?"
ME: "It's kinda like water and rock had a baby."
CLACACHATA: "Meh. Whatever. I'm sure we'll be fine."
ME: "Yeah. Me too. Good luck."
Never saw him again and coincidentally, the next campaign season, I conquered his empire. Due to the fact that the majority of his elite warriors had perished in a white hell brought on by their Leader's supreme arrogance, this campaign was more or less a cakewalk. I had more deaths to jungle fevers and parasites than I did in battle and far more injuries due to tripping over precious metals than from actual combat.
MADNESS: Nobody in their right mind wants to rule the world, trust me on this. You have to be living across the street from sanity to even consider trying to conquer the next country over, much less an entire planet. This is why Madness is an integral part of Dark Lording, sane people know better, the fuckers.
Normally our Madness is referred to as Meglomania, an obsession with the exercise of power, especially in the domination of others. Or, commonly, Powerlust.*1
Hey, color me guilty because I'm one of those remorseless dickheads that thinks he knows a better way.
What separates me from the garden variety asshole dictator is that I get results. I've learned to integrate my batshit insanity with a style of corporate mindful savagery that seems to result in all strati of my empire having a better sort of lifestyle at the expense of those who oppose me.
I'll address this point in a bit more detail later on....
THE ILLUSION OF FREEDOM: The reality of freedom and the illusion of freedom are are two different things. Or, the interpretation of 'freedom' may vary wildly from perspective to perspective. Either way it is up to the Dark Lord in charge to decide just what reality and freedom are and aren't.
It's the same category as 'History is Written by the Victors' yet more immediate. Instead of influencing later generations through edited historical accounts, the Illusion of Freedom edict states that you influence them in real time through any current means possible. The ultimate goal is to make folks who are objectively good do things that further the cause of your evil empire. This is accomplished through whatever the equivalent of mass media is on your situation and by the employment of a top notch whatever passes for a public relations firm in your situation.
I.E:
COLD CALCULATION: Remaining dispassionate when considering potential losses versus gains is an essential component of a Dark Lord's psyche.
As in 'Do I have the troops to just clog his meatgrinder?' Or, 'Should I attempt some sort of flanking strategy?'
Or even, (for us top level guys....) should I just throw an Undead Dragon w/Optional Undead Dragon Knight at my opponent because I can? Even if it's not fair?
Should I, as an evil Dark Lord, be concerned about wrong and right?
Nope. I needn't be bothered in the slightest. Cuz I'm evil.
Duh. That was fuckin easy. Don't be too proud if you got it right.
CLEAR FUCKING PERCEPTION: You refuse to let ego, emotion or irrational feelings get in the way of you subjugating whoever the hell you've decided to subjugate. You're aware of and honest with yourself about the limitations and weaknesses of your forces. Your intelligence network keeps you well informed about the potential and probable conditions in the lands you've chosen to campaign in.
In short, you're not an idiot. You have a decent grasp of tactics, where to use them and how to choose terrain that favors your forces.
Again, because you're not an idiot. Strategy isn't that difficult, but there ya go.
When one can blend all these facets of evil into one functioning machine that bends the opposition over any available surface and proceeds to have it's way with whatever is thusly prostrated, then one can say it speaks for the unsodomized.
Hell Yeah.
Anyway, dear readers, that's the extent of the advice I feel comfortable giving based on what my attorney has advised me.
Yours in Suggestive Suggestions,
-Lord Hurderoth
*1 Powerlust: The name of a lute power-trio I toured with before I lost my first empire. Dad hated it.
