My stress management coordinator has insisted that I write some sort of poetry as a way of dealing with my oftentimes volatile behavior. I hear what he's saying. I realize that being the 'flay him alive and dip him in vinegar' style of Dark Lord is archaic and counter productive. Of course you have to torture and immolate some people, but you can't allow yourself to get carried away with it.
Earlier in your career it's always a good move to allow your version of The Inquisition free reign; all the better to purge out those pesky resistance movements. But as you consolidate your power, you'll find it's a smart idea to have all of those enthusiastic Inquisitors murdered anonymously.
It will save you an enormous amount of time and resources later. A good Dark Lord chooses this time perfectly, it's one of the traits of a truly capable ruler.
So, as opposed to sonnets or free verse, I chose to write blunt yet highly sophisticated haikus as my nod to the counselor's request. I submitted them for his approval and may still have him excruciated for his response, yet I think he'll like them.
Without further ado, I present to you the Dark Lord's Haiku, Series 1.
Elven cities burn
Dare to defy me, tree cunts?
Meet Mister Napalm
I employ healers
To prolong my foes torment
My torturers wank
The battle trolls charge
Humans shit themselves and flee
Run squishy pooh-shoes!
Sorcerers are twats
Ensorcell your way out of
My axe in your face
Dealing with dragons
Someone's getting fucked silly
And it ain't the wyrm
I like darkness
It's in my job description
Sunlight can gulp choad
Rescue this Princess!
She's absolutely not bait
Half a Kingdom yours...
Orcs seem tough to you?
You are out of your league, son
You should run away
Yup, that's a death trap
I'd hate to be you right now
Your life ain't worth shit.
Dance, burning folk, dance
You should have embraced my rule
Then you'd be unburned
I think it helps, this poetry. It helps put things in perspective. I'm sure I'll have my stress management counselor impaled st some point, but that's to be expected. I'm pretty sure it's in the contract...
That's it for the time being. If I could draw, there'd be pictures with super-amusing captions.
Shame I can't draw....
Yours in service but not really,
-Lord Hurderoth
Be His Word Troof
