I, Dark Lord: A brief retrospective. Or, Branding is everything.

  As my career progresses in my chosen field, I frequently look back on all the choices, decisions and quirks of fate that brought me to where I am today. From privileged Heir Apparent to a fair sized empire who ended up pissing it away through inexperience and sheer arrogant stupidity, to a Village Bully where I had to start all over again from the bottom, taxing people to use my river.


  And all the way to the present where I rule a massive, profitable Empire and have transformed myself from Merciless Despot to Ultra-Successful BusinessLord. Sure I kill a lot less people and burn fewer cities to the ground, but ultimately I make a fuck ton more money and have a happier populace, which should be a goal of every Dark Lord with a shred of common sense. A reasonably content populace really cuts down on your insurrection factor which allows you time to focus your attention on building your holdings, both geographically and economically.


  A famous predecessor once said "Feel free to subjugate, just throw in some cake every now and then."


  Which is true. I took his advice rather literally and decreed that from now on in my realm, every Friday is Free Doughnut Friday*1. Haven't had an uprising since. In fact my people became so calm that I now finance and arm several resistance movements within my lands just for appearances sake.


  You can't have too peaceful a populace or the other Dark Lords will make fun of you.



  Several circumstances have led to my current position, chief among them being that I have simply run out of bordering lands that I care to conquer. I've got all the good stuff already so further expansion would be just conquering for conquering's sake, the martial equivalent of masturbation.


   Geographically here's my situation:


To the North: Hundreds of miles of frozen mountains teeming with Giants, Yetis, Ice Dragons, Snow Dwarves and Mammoths and who the fuck knows what else, all looking to kill and/or eat your army.


To the West: Water. Lots of it. Trade with other nations across a vast ocean and am pleased they are so far away. Makes invading my lands as logistically nightmarish to contemplate as invading theirs seems to me.


To the South: A swamp so massive that the few Adventurers that have traversed it and lived to tell the tale have all stated that right after the swamp ends there's about three miles until a bigger one starts.


To the East: Steppes and deserts. Vast empty landscapes dotted with roving herds of small, angry men mounted on horseback or giant two legged chicken-things that shoot arrows at anything that moves. And to the southeast, endless networks of sand dunes packed with Crazy Nomads, Giant Scorpions and deranged Wind Elementals.



  As you can see, I'm fresh out of desirable real estate in the conquer-with-iron-boots market. I have however taken the liberty of absorbing some small islands in the Western Sea into my empire, but only as waypoints for my trade fleet and occasional R&R trips for my more valued minions. And rather than subjugating the indigenous people and occupying their little isle, I more or less bought the property from them and employed them to build and run the resorts for my troops. It was a win win for all involved, especially considering the alternative which would have included lots of burning and killing with a generous side order of rape.


  These islands are living proof that a modern, progressive thinking Dark Lord can have enormous positive impact on small local economies. The Prostitution Sector and Service Industry in particular are through the roof with no ceiling in sight. A fair amount of my naval force's time is spent guarding shipments of booze and cooze destined for the "Party Isles".





Another facet in the evolution of my job description is that I'm making far more money and having a lot more fun in the Bespoke Adventure market. Sure wading ankle deep in blood amidst the flaming remains of an enemy's hold is a swell day out, but eventually you just get tired of breaking-in new boots. And since only southerners wear sandals, it only stands to reason that conquering all before you can get kinda old.


  So much effort...


  The way I look at it is that it's way easier and a lot more profitable to let the money come to you instead of chasing it all over a continent. Building a better herotrap and whatnot.


  And the beauty of it all is that it works. Idiot Adventurers from all over the world will flock to your Vile Ruins if you build something that will kill roughly 50% of them while allowing the others lots of opportunities for leveling up and enrichment. Would be Heroes can't resist a well constructed death trap sprinkled with some nifty magic items and lots of gold. They're like salt licks for armored and bearded deer.


  I've learned from experience that branding your death traps is an essential marketing tool. No one wants to go explore 'those ruins over there by that tree' when they could try their luck in 'The Haunted Ruins of the Black Sorcerer WaithLord' *2


  What's the point of planning, building and stocking a sweet-ass installation for random axe-dorks and wand-twats to blunder around in if you don't give it an ominous and cool sounding brand name? Seriously, no amount of pathos or melodrama is too much for your purposes when naming a new adventuring hot spot. These hero types eat it up.*3


  One of my first big successes was The Canyon of The Arachnid King™. It seemed so simple when I thought of it, and spiders were hot back in those days. What I didn't realize at the time was that the cost of importing giant spiders and paying the hundreds of arachnid wranglers at Guild rates was fucking ruinous.


  Lucky for me some big name hitters tried their luck and failed which ensured the success of the enterprise early on. Nothing boosts an adventure locale's profile like creaming a prominent Hero or two.





  So, because I'm drunk now and wish to partake of my harem, I'm going to end here. You aspiring Dark Lords and Lordettes out there really should be paying me for these insights, but I'm letting them go in the spirit of friendly competition. Use my advice, grow your domain and then fucking bring it.


  It's about time I ruined some boots....



Your Theme-Labyrinth Mogul,
Lord Hurderoth


Maybe Law His Word

 










*1 Those caught spelling it "Donut" are subject to execution in a variety of horrible fashions. There have to be rules....





*2 For character levels 9-12





*3 True story: I grew up with this kid Jimmy, sorta a hostage-prince kinda deal my Father made with an enemy to insure their loyalty. Jimbo and I became friends as we grew up together in Father's court and when Jimmy's Pop died my Dad released him back to his homeland to fulfill his destiny. In the fullness of time we both became Dark Lords (with varying degrees of success) and we stayed in touch by carving messages into each others captured spies and sending their bodies back home.

  Aaaannny way, Jimmy caught onto branding early, but never developed the knack for catchy, commercially appealing names. I remember the very first island complex he built, he dubbed "Sinister Syphilis Isle". Sure it sounds scary, but for all the wrong reasons. And yes, it totally tanked.

  His next effort wasn't much better, "The Blood Caves of the Subterranean Hermaphrodite Vampire Lichs" was a commercial failure, but remains open to this day in a much reduced capacity, catering to a.....specialty market.

  He never could understand why his attractions never paid for themselves and, ultimately, failed. I tried to give him some pointers but his lack of intelligence made this a fruitless endeavor and over the years we grew apart as my armies slaughtered his.

  I was really sad when I had to have him assassinated.
  

So you say you have a Dwarf infestation? Or, Socio-economic solutions for when you're too tired for genocide.

  It's nice to occasionally get asked for advice by a fellow Dark Lord. The whole reason I started this journal was to offer helpful tips to up and coming DL's in the spirit of 'everyone hates us so let's stick together.' I realize that to some this may appear to be counterproductive, the school of thought being that ANY Dark Lord is a potential rival and thus should be treated as an enemy and thwarted at every opportunity.

  To this I respond that I rule a vast realm virtually uncontested and that as opposed to conquering the rest of the world, I'm quite content to play around with my portion of it and have more or less crossed over to the boutique dungeon market via the "Dark Lord vs The Adventurers" aspect of my field.*1

  It leaves me a lot of free time to pursue my less virulent interests, like ravishing my harem and adding to my awesome collection of vintage toy knights.


  That being said I'd like to reprint a letter from a fellow DL who it seems is having a problem with a Dwarf infestation.


  He writes:



Dear Dark Lord Hurderoth


  Let me start off by thanking you for your informative blog posts, I have found them quite enlightening and entertaining.

  I have come to the conclusion that it’s time to expand my empire and have my eye on a Human kingdom to the north. This kingdom is mostly human, but also has a sizable community of Dwarves friendly to the human King. They are building a good relationship and I need to nip this one in the bud right now before more dwarven weapons find themselves in the hands of human soldiers.

  How do you handle a dwarf problem? It seems like “more dwarves” is the answer to all of the tricks in my bag. Is a disease killing your troops? More dwarves. Is dark magic killing your troops? More dwarves. Are hordes of orcs killing your troops? More dwarves. Are hideous monsters killing your troops? More half naked dwarves with spiky red hair and blue tattoos.

  My standard policy is to enlist some hobgoblins to dress up like local elves and shoot a dozen elven arrows into a few dwarves. The resulting retaliation against “their ancient enemy” escalates into full scale war which keeps both the dwarven population and the elven population down to a minimum. It’s inexpensive and effective.

  That isn’t going to work this time around though; the elves in the region have all succumbed to a magic plague that I released a year ago. It’s a nice bit of sorcery if I may say so myself, and I am willing to share the recipe with you if you want it.
I could use trickery to confuse the dwarves and have them report to the wrong battlefield. They’re notoriously slow moving, but they also have a knack of arriving “right in the nick of time”.

Do you have any suggestions?

I appreciate your considerations.
Tudenom the Vile





  It's an interesting problem, Tudenom and one that I have faced more than once in my career.


  Let's speak plainly, everyone knows that dwarves are greedy, small minded stubborn little pricks at the best of times. They undermine your empire, literally, and gouge the fuck out of you for weapons, catacomb construction or trap installations. Dealing with dwarves is always a headache, they are the ultimate craftsmen and the worst part of it is, they know it. They know that as a discerning and professional Dark Lord, you demand the very best in new dungeon fabrication, traps that work every time and the best weaponry money can buy for your troops.


  They have you between their hammer and anvil so to speak.


  So dealing with them is always touchy. You want them as far away from your lands as you can get them but at the same time, you're reluctant to just slaughter them wholesale because you may very well require their services/products in the future. I am assuming that as a Dread Emperor who is still expanding his holdings that out and out genocide is probably a last ditch option for you; quite understandable.


  Let me take this opportunity to applaud your eradication of your "Tree Twat" infestation. Kudos to that! And by the use of a genetically adapted pathogen no less, very sci fi and forward thinking. When faced with the same problem years ago I kept thinking to myself "It's going to take forever to burn this fucking forest down". A magically targeted virus would've saved me no end of time and resources.


  Nicely done.


  So thinking about your dwarf problem I have a few suggestions for you, none of which in and of itself may bring a satisfactory result to your beard-midget problem, but using them in a synergistic approach is what worked for me.


  Once, long ago, I had a similar problem with the hairy runts. I wanted their weapons and armor for my armies, but couldn't secure exclusive buying rights from them, nor at the time could afford to do so. They continued to arm my rivals and make my life much more difficult. I of course wanted to orchestrate some sort of Extinction Level Event on their asses, but couldn't allocate the assets at the point in my career, nor give up the technical advantage their arms provided me.


  So I got together my finest strategists, researchers, and data analysts and we convened to come up with a multi tiered blueprint to solve our little problem. First off we identified Dwarf weaknesses:



1) Dwarves still need to eat. Despite what their PR departments profess to be "100% Self Sustaining Underground Communitites", the fact of the matter is that Dwarven nations must import food from the surface world or slowly starve to death. You can only eat so much mold and rat carcasses before your stagnant diet leads to malnutrition and birth defects.

   Therefore, Dwarves rely on human nations for supplemental components of their diets, they just don't like to admit it.


2) Dwarves hate magic. Sure most of the best enchanted weapons start out life as Dwarf forged, but either Humans or Elves are ultimately the ones who embed the magicks within it. Dwarves are about as comfortable with sorcery as trout are with fire.


3) Dwarves are very lawful minded. They live their whole lives by a strict set of laws, codes defining every aspect from birth to death with astoundingly minute details which are impossibly boring to anyone who is not a Dwarf. They will happily argue a legal case for generations and many a lucky Dwarf has inherited an ongoing lawsuit that has been savored by his family for centuries.


4) Dwarves are migratory. This may not seem obvious to us humans because most of us only live a fraction of the Dwarven lifespan and to us, it seems like the stunted cunts have been 'under yonder mountain' for as long as anyone can remember. But think about it, what do Dwarves do? They mine. They mine and then they make stuff out of what they have ripped from the earth. This means that as they slowly mine out all the worthwhile ores and minerals in the area, they must tunnel further and further away from their major cities, which are really no more than glorified mining camps to them.

  Sure it may take three thousand years of nonstop digging to reach the point where it becomes necessary to relocate their base of operations, but it happens.


5) As you stated, Dwarves are slow as hell. The think slow, they move with great ponderousness (except in battle) and they only embrace change at a glacial rate. This frequently works against them.





  So, taking all these facts about the Dwarven people together, my privy council and I*2 came up with the following multi faceted and proactive campaign for dealing with the small, furry faced bastards.




1) My skirmishers devastated the surrounding farmlands and animal herds for hundreds of miles around, successfully depleting the available food stocks to the point where no one had the surplus food to sell to the Dwarves. Skyrocketing prices and scarce supply made feeding themselves nearly impossible. This ended the Dwarven contingent in my enemy's army as their King pulled his troops back underground to help tunnel the vast distances they needed to go in search of food sources I hadn't destroyed yet.



2) I reluctantly hired a couple of mages to summon a Balrog or two to haunt their vast underworld cities. It's hard to focus on a budding surface alliance when you have a couple of giant demons roaming your underground real estate and that your surface-dwelling, would-be allies aren't gonna be enthusiastic about going down into your dark, cramped world to fight massive, firery hellspawn on your behalf.



3) I was successfully able to demonstrate in court that I ancestrally predated Dwarven presence on the major coal fields in my empire and thusly held all mineral rights and that therefore they had no legal right to mine the rich deposits there. And with little readily available coal to fuel their huge forges, the supply of Dwarf forged weaponry slowed to a trickle at a time when I already possessed more of it than my enemy.

  The best part about this is that my 'proof' is a clever forgery and that although the case is still pending, the law abiding wee fuckers respect the moratorium on mining that the combined Human-Dwarf Co-Court*3 decreed until the case is decided.



4) My researchers were able to ascertain the the Dwarf Kingdom in question was indeed close to a shift of it's Capitol. They had exhausted the mining possibilities for hundreds of miles in every direction and were within a century or two of "Following the Seam", or moving to a richer area to establish new mines.

  I was able to use this knowledge to gain certain concessions from them in exchange for agreeing to let them relocate to another portion of my empire that was loaded with rich underground goodies.



 After wringing these concessions out of them through brutality and guile. I'm able to maintain their compliance first and foremost by a brisk trade and Favored Nation status between our two societies, backed up by an extensive legion of remorseless Earth Elementals and really fast moving Tunnel Wyrms; the terror of anyone forced to fight in an enclosed space.





  This ended my cave-douche relations problem and ultimately enhanced my symbiosis with them. They're happy as pigs in shit in the new mountain home I ceded to them, they're no longer supplying rebels and neighbors with cutting edge armaments and I didn't have to expend the energy to totally eradicate them in what would've been a protracted, ugly underground war.


  I might further suggest that you commission a detailed geological survey of the Human kingdom you've set your sights on and ascertain whether it could possibly be a bargaining chip you could use in your dealings with the Dwarves. As in, "Just agree to keep to yourselves and keep supplying me with those sweet-ass swords, you little hairballs, and the iron laden highlands my enemy lives in could be yours....."







I hope this helps you craft a Dwarf Agenda that can avoid genocide, (which can get so messy) and help you maintain a strong technical advantage over your stupid fucking neighbors. It has been a pleasure to share theory with you.



Yours in mutual malevolence,
-Lord Hurderoth




MAY HIS WORD BE TRUTH BECAUSE HE SAYS SO
























*1 SO much more fun than conquering everything and then trying to maintain it. INSANE amounts or work...

  What's the point of clawing your way to the top if you have to spend every waking moment trying to stay there, having no time to stop and smell the roses.**


   
**That you planted in the gaping mouths of your conquered enemies.








*2 I really mean that I came up with the plan, but I find that letting a subordinate think they have contributed in some way makes them feel useful.









*3 The Human-Dwarf Co-Court: Something I created to keep me from having to wipe out the silly little fuckers. They love it.

The 5 most important rules of Dark Lording. Or, Dark Lord levels one through twenty.

Rule One: Don't procreate. Having offspring merely poops out someone who you will expend a great deal of resources on and who'll end up trying to kill you, ruining all your hard work if they happen to be successful. When you're dead do you really think you're going to give a fuck who's running your Empire?


  Therefore if you feel the overwhelming need to nurture something, get a puppy.



Rule Two: Always leave yourself a variety of escape routes. You want a party of adventurers to eventually overrun your base, it's good PR. If your Loathsome Lair kills every last would be Hero that enters it, sooner or later they'll stop trying. That being said, you can't let the worthless cunts kill you in the process or what's the point?



Rule Three: Stagger your Citadel's level of deadliness in accordance with the readily available talent of the local hero pool. No sense hiring a Green Dragon to star in your Labyrinth if you can only expect to attract Adventurers in the 5-8th level range. Just get a Salamander or a couple of wyverns, save the payroll until your PR campaign starts bringing in some bigger hitters.



Rule Four: Always leave a survivor. What's the point of being deadly as fuck if no one knows about it? This applies on the battlefield as well as in your home labyrinth. Survivors make the best ad men and you don't even have to pay them. They're so eager to tell their tale of surviving your deathtrap that no advertising agency of yours could ever hope to equal that sort of publicity, especially not for free.*1



  Sometimes these survivors are so good at telling the gruesome tales of their experience in my Fell Catacombs, that I'll pay various actors to follow them around and buy them drinks in taverns so they'll tell their stories over and over.


  

Which leads neatly into...



Rule Five: Always be prepared for bigger fights on short notice. Normally, when a party of big name Adventurers is assembling for a Major Campaign, you'll hear about it through your intelligence apparatus unless you're a complete yambag. And quite frankly if a high level group of Heroes takes you unawares and unprepared, you fucking deserve to lose and I personally hope you die in the process.


  Less competition for me in the Hero-Luring business.


  Therefore if you open a Labyrinth rated for 1-6th level clients, you have to be ready for that rogue, asshole group of 9-14th dungeon crashers that will try to blow through your establishment looking for easy loot. If a surprise party like this manages to blitz through your whole setup and makes it look easy, you're going to look like a fucking pansy and that's going to cost you in credibility, not to mention the assets they slaughtered in the process.


  You can't have that.


  Therefore you keep some aces up your sleeve just in case some arrogant higher level dicks try to get all shitheel on you.


  I myself have an Undead Dragon*1 stashed away in my Labyrinth's basement as well as an Iron Colossus*2 cleverly disguised as a big, normal statue that I can deploy against intruders who are more powerful than they should be.


 These aces usually pay for themselves in kobolds alone when some smart ass, lazy band of reasonably potent hacks come rolling through my property, expecting easy money and experience.






Dark Lord levels one through twenty:






Lvl 1) Scary Kid


Lvl 2) Obvious Future Criminal


Lvl 3) Dirt Thief


Lvl 4) River Bully


Lvl 5) River Boss


Lvl 6) Town Gang Member


Lvl 7) Town Gang Hero


Lvl 8) Town Gang Leader


Lvl 9) City Gangster


Lvl 10) City Councilman


Lvl 11) Politician


Lvl 12) Dark Mayor


Lvl 13) Conservative Senator


Lvl 14) El Presidente En Darko


Lvl 15) Conqueror


Lvl 16) Emperor


Lvl 17) Evil Fucking Cunt


Lvl 18) Dark Lord


Lvl 19) Dark One Percenter


Lvl 20) No-Shit, Legitimate-Ass High Dark Lord






  And there you have it, dear readers. Follow the above five rules and with a lot of luck and/or a whole bunch of money, you can be a successful Dark Lord. Unless I kill you first, sensing a future rival.



Yours in the spirit of friendly competition,
-Lord Hurderoth



May His Troof Be A Word To Your Matriarch




















*1 Under 20th level? Then you don't want to fight a fucking Undead Dragon. Trust me, boyo.






*2  This cost me an insane amount of money. Obviously the only ones capable of making an automaton of this size and complexity are the Dwarves, and since they know they're the only ones capable of making it, they charge accordingly. To put this in perspective for all you modern readers (because I stand astride both Space and Time), an Iron Colossus is the Bugatti Veyron of labyrinth-defense auto-motile technology.

Modern Darklording: Synergy in action. Or, Build a better death trap and the world's adventurers will beat a path to your door.

  The rules governing the interaction between Dark Lords and Adventurers have been established for a long time, but never really written down. Like the laws associated with economics and physics, they don't change much but gradually become more formalized.


  The general rules of thumb are:


1) Build an imposing but not unbeatable fortress somewhere foreboding.

2) Stock it with something of great value i.e. treasure, magic swords, captive princesses etc etc.

3) Get the word out that you've got something worth stealing

4) Sit back and wait for the rush of would be heroes trying to take it from you.


  Pretty simple, really.


  Of course getting the word out is the most challenging part. It's why Rule #4 exists: Always Leave Survivors. Those who have escaped the butchery of their party make the best PR men and have the added bonus that you don't have to pay them. Simply let them live and they will spill their story in every alehouse and tavern from here to whatever forlorn shithole they crawled out of.



  You have to be prepared to move with the times, a great Dark Lord is nature's most adaptable creature. Instead of being the destination, I've chosen to be the entire fucking journey. Whether they are aware of it or not, most of the adventurer parties that seek out my Evil Strongholds™ are in fact driven there by my network of intertwined Retail, Entertainment and Public Relations divisions acting upon a proven business model.


  There are ATA's, or Adventure Travel Agencies in most of the major cities on this world which cater exclusively to up and coming campaigners looking to strike it rich and make a name for themselves. I should know, I invented them.


  For a modest fee my ATA, Sword and Staff Sojourns™ will book a trip for your group of erstwhile heroes to my nearest Malevolent Fortress™ with a range of available travel and support packages. Anything from a couple of mules and a native guide, to a 4,000 square foot silk and wool palace that comes with it's own butler, armorer, executive chef, masseuse, healer, concubines and set up/break down crew.


  Choose your own comfort level.



  This is why I build in godforsaken wastelands, ideally I want my stronghold to be at least a fortnight's hard travel from the nearest town. And the 'nearest town' is a always a nice little village with an unusually fine selection of merchants and armorers for such an out of the way place. I've worked hard to ensure that this is so.


  You see in the old days an Evil Bastard might make some kind of arrangement to sell the equipment, magic items and weapons of slain freebooters back to the merchants of the nearest village, but today's Dark Lord owns the whole town. Established it in fact. Nowadays my business model consists of setting up a remote village trading post before I even begin development of my next Foul Citadel™.


   I employee a large troupe of mobile craftsmen, taveners, merchants and actors that with but a week's notice can produce a rustic looking village to service the influx of sword-weenies and spell-twats that will descend upon my newly completed Citadel.


  They're like locusts or cockroaches that leave money behind when you kill them.




  This whole economic premise relies on the colossal arrogance of your average adventurer and I am never disappointed. Tell your classic spear-cunt and wand-fag about a particularly lethal dungeon maze and they will fall all over themselves trying to die in it regardless of their experience level.


  It makes me laugh. It makes me money. It makes my murdered Father proud of his son/assassin.



  Tune in next time when I discuss the Rules of Dark Lording.



Yours in foulness,
The Dark Lord


His Law Be Word Unto Thine Mother


  

As part of my stress management counseling I'm encouraged to write poetry. Or, You usually end up assassinating those who've served their purpose, so don't get attached.

  My stress management coordinator has insisted that I write some sort of poetry as a way of dealing with my oftentimes volatile behavior. I hear what he's saying. I realize that being the 'flay him alive and dip him in vinegar' style of Dark Lord is archaic and counter productive. Of course you have to torture and immolate some people, but you can't allow yourself to get carried away with it.


  Earlier in your career it's always a good move to allow your version of The Inquisition free reign; all the better to purge out those pesky resistance movements. But as you consolidate your power, you'll find it's a smart idea to have all of those enthusiastic Inquisitors murdered anonymously.


  It will save you an enormous amount of time and resources later. A good Dark Lord chooses this time perfectly, it's one of the traits of a truly capable ruler.


 So, as opposed to sonnets or free verse, I chose to write blunt yet highly sophisticated haikus as my nod to the counselor's request. I submitted them for his approval and may still have him excruciated for his response, yet I think he'll like them.


  Without further ado, I present to you the Dark Lord's Haiku, Series 1.









      Elven cities burn
Dare to defy me, tree cunts?
   Meet Mister Napalm




     

        I employ healers
To prolong my foes torment
       My torturers wank






     The battle trolls charge
Humans shit themselves and flee
    Run squishy pooh-shoes!




    Sorcerers are twats
Ensorcell your way out of
    My axe in your face




      Dealing with dragons
Someone's getting fucked silly
      And it ain't the wyrm





        I like darkness
 It's in my job description
 Sunlight can gulp choad





  Rescue this Princess!
She's absolutely not bait
 Half a Kingdom yours...




  
    Orcs seem tough to you?
You are out of your league, son
   You should run away




   Yup, that's a death trap
I'd hate to be you right now
  Your life ain't worth shit.




      Dance, burning folk, dance
You should have embraced my rule
      Then you'd be unburned





  I think it helps, this poetry. It helps put things in perspective. I'm sure I'll have my stress management counselor impaled st some point, but that's to be expected. I'm pretty sure it's in the contract...



   That's it for the time being. If I could draw, there'd be pictures with super-amusing captions.


   Shame I can't draw....





Yours in service but not really,

-Lord Hurderoth



Be His Word Troof

Guarding your inner sanctum, because the ultimate sign of power is an untroubled sleep. Or, Build a better Deathmaze and the world will beat a path to your door.

  A once mighty Emperor from bygone times was once quoted as saying: "The ultimate display of power is an untroubled sleep", a sentence loaded with meaning no doubt. On one hand it suggests that the unspeakable, inhuman atrocities that you've committed in the fulfillment of your job description bother you not in the least, as your dreams are haunted by neither guilt nor regret.


  On the other hand it tells the world that you are so confident of your safety within your own Prima Sanctum; securely warded from sorcerous, physical, psionic, astral and sometimes (if you're really badass) geological attacks, that you sleep like a baby on sedatives.



  An impregnable fortress, surrounded by an extensive maze of trap festooned and monster haunted streets and ruins, is every Dark Lord's dream. But it don't come easy, sweetheart. Effective citadels and keeps don't just build themselves and slave labor is only good for digging and hauling away debris. You're best bet is to capture one by guile rather than brute force, and kill everyone inside it before raising your flag. Then, remember how you took the damn thing in the first place and make sure it can't happen to you.


  Irony is a cunt.


  I find it best to keep all my strongholds semi-impregnable, rather than invulnerable because it's good for business to let a few lucky adventurers feel like they've won. It keeps them coming back. It's like that old caravan route adage that states "If your rob and kill a man, then you have robbed him once. If you rob a man and let him live, you can eventually rob him again, or your sons can rob his sons."


  There's a fine line between insanely fucking dangerous and completely lethal, and a veteran Dark Lord walks that line with confidence.




  But if you can't capture then you gotta build. That being said, the following advice will be useless to any aspiring Dark Lord whose budget doesn't match his ambitions. Sorry fledglings, this is next level stuff and as such doesn't really pertain to you. Keep robbing sheep and slapping around the village merchants while you keep your eyes on the ring. Invest your ill gotten gains wisely and research the next guy up on the ladder...



  For those of you prepared and able to start work on your first real stronghold, first rule is always use dwarf craftsmen in the construction of any and all death traps you have installed in your labyrinth*1. This will set you back a minimum of four times what skilled human labor costs, but it is worth it because your traps will work every fucking time. You use human labor and you'll learn that every routine invasion becomes a white-knuckler as even the most meat-headed enemies wade through your shittily constructed traps like they were Lord-Class Ninjas.


  You'll be lucky if your kill rate is 20%.


  The Dwarves have really brought about a renaissance in the Sanctum Defense industry. They are solely responsible for innovations that have basically revolutionized the construction of Grim Strongholds, Evil Fortresses and Foul Lairs everywhere. Their R&D budget alone must be enormous.


  They count the following among their numerous advances in ambuscade technology and commerce:




1) The 'Just Unt Normal Korridor System'™: This is basically a giant bar that comes down out of the ceiling like in a modern day bowling alleys, and pushes all the corpses and body parts into concealed pits after a trap has been tripped.

     No more tipping off intruders about kill points by leaving a heap of rotting skeletons.*2



2) The iMage System™: From anywhere in my Sanctum, I can monitor my entire Labyrinth and surrounding areas and have full control over a variety of imbedded spells for use in real time. If I catch a paladin sneaking up on me who has so far managed to evade my traps, I have the option to roast him in his armor or maybe turn the corridor he's walking through into a dense fog of flesh eating acid. You know, stuff like that. It's fucking brilliant and a hell of a lot of fun.



3) Deephome Depot: For the DIY Dark Lord. This was a genius business idea, a giant warehouse containing everything a prospective DL might need to build his Labyrinth: construction materials, all sorts of tools, pre-built traps, poison gas jets, bio-luminescent mold growing kits*3, all kinds of spikes, modular portcullises and guardhouses, duct tape, stone effect wallboard for the suburban Dark Lord, quicklime, a large inventory of various gauge chains at reasonable prices and a great selection of quality Inquistion™ brand torture equipment and patio furniture.


  They had a monopoly for a few years, but recently competing chains like Home Despot and Labyrinths "B" Us have taken huge bites from their market share. It just goes to show that Dark Lording in general is a growth industry and subsequently is a boon to local and regional economies.






Making your Labyrinth an adventuring hot spot





  When it comes to deadly booby traps, you can't go wrong with the classics provided they are expertly built and receive some basic maintenance from time to time. Sometimes the simplest is the best and there's a very good reason some designs never go out of style.


  I tend to stick with the oldies but goodies myself. They are tried and true, low maintenance and perpetual crowd pleasers. Way back when, my Labyrinth was named in Labyrinth Monthly's "Top 100 Classic Labyrinths and Dungeons" list, which was a big honor for me at the time, considering my somewhat humble roots. This really boosted my adventure tourism destination profile*4 and, as a lazy mastermind, I capitalized on that by monetizing the entire site.


 There were so many adventurers and fortune seekers flocking to my maze back in those days that I figured 'what the hell' and opened up several concession stands. My beer sales alone almost rivalled that of the profit generated by selling off all the armor, weapons and magic items the failed treasure seekers leave behind, to new ones coming in with last minute equipment needs. The money flowed in...


  I've even thought about putting in some kiddie rides so the little tykes have something to do while their parents meet gruesome ends in some dank corridor far underground from them.


  In short, a well thought out labyrinth is a cash cow and will pay for itself many times over if properly looked after and managed. It's a license to mint coin, boyo.

  
 Then you use that coin to build more clever traps, put greater rewards in scattered treasure chests as bait, and hire better freelance monsters to occupy the maze. Don't get distracted by the money, it will become meaningless in time.



  I hope this is of some help to those of you on the cusp of true Dark Lordship, these lessons I've learned oh so painfully in my past. Just remember that YOU have a VISION. And if you have to crush a few kingdoms to make that vision a reality, then you're just doing your job.



-Carpe Omnia
Dark Lord Hurderoth
















*1 Murder Maze, Death Garden, Playground of Slaughter, Caves of No Return, whatever you call it....






*2 "Just Unt Normal Korridor System": Or, JUNKS in LordSpeak. As in "I got a lotta JUNKS placed around my labyrinth."





*3 So even inexperienced and ill prepared would-be human heroes can see well enough to get themselves killed.




*4 There are some places so infamous and foreboding that heroes and swashbucklers can't help but go there to try their luck. It's like Mt Everest on Earth, sometimes there are long lines of adventurers just waiting for their shot at glory.

You say Depraved, I say Goal Oriented. You say Evil I say Career Driven. Or, Is that the same wyvern we saw two days ago at Ragnar's Crossing?

  Depraved. It's a word that's thrown around a lot these days to describe people in my field. He's depraved. She's depraved. That act is depraved. But what does it mean? By whose standards is something or someone deemed 'depraved'?


  It's all a matter of perspective. By definition, depraved merely means 'corrupt, wicked or perverted' and while that covers a lot of ground it doesn't elicit the gut-level response of the word itself. Depraved. All hard vowels and shit.


  Sounds like a Cimmerian curse word.


  Hel, the words "corrupt, wicked and perverted " are in my Mission Statement and I can get into a lot of trouble with the Council Of Dark Lords (CODL) for NOT being evil enough. As a matter of fact I am contractually obligated to torture x amount of sentient creatures and burn x amount of villages per year.


  It's the price of doing business and I enjoy s'mores.


  So what's "depraved" to a priest of the White God may just be a typical Tuesday afternoon to folks like me. Who's to say which point of view is more valid?




  These are the thoughts that plague my mind as I sit absent mindedly fiddling with my member to the sounds of pixies being tortured outside my pavilion walls. I'm not really a bad guy per se. Sure, I've had a meal or two in a forest of my impaled foes, casually dipping my toast in their leader's gaping wounds, but that was really just for the look of the thing. It was mostly the product of my PR Department's creative minds and some very dry toast.


  Dark Lordin' ain't easy. It's definitely not for the squeamish. But on the other side of the coin it doesn't have to be a constant bloodbath. You don't have to arrive everywhere heralded by a chorus of screams from the parade of defeated people crucified to your banners. It's flashy and it does generate a profound sense of horror in most beings who witness it, but it's also gaudy and expensive and can result in merely hardening your opponent's resolve to defy you.


  Do you know how much in labor costs goes into a proper, old school Dark Lord's Victory Parade?*1 It's staggering; ridiculous even. All those woodcutters, carpenters and experienced impalement techs. Not to mention the catering....


  Sure, all the money your empire generates is yours, there to spend as you see fit. But for the price of a reasonably noteworthy DLVP you could've been halfway through the construction cost of a decent Mountain Fortress, a passable Swamp Stronghold or maybe even laid the foundation for that Desert Citadel Of Bones that you've always dreamed of...


  Grandstanding is for amateurs looking to make a name for themselves and flash-in-the-pan would be Emperors doomed to be stabbed to death by their former vassals.


  I try to stay clear of that shit. It's counterproductive.






  Every now and then I like to write down some random advice for nooby Dark Lords just starting out in the craft. In case some day one of them is lucky enough to kill me or I decide to write a Dark Lording For Dummies book. Not everyone was lucky enough to inherit an existing empire like I did when I crushed Pop's skull, but in my defense I lost the whole thing when my army annihilated itself in spectacular fashion on the Plains of Sorrow, forcing me to start all the way back at Village Bully.


  Which fucking sucked.





  So today's topic is Winged Minions.



  Along with some kind of ground shaking, bowel loosening heavy infantry shock troops, any successful Dark Army must have some kind of airbourne units as well. Flying critters who can spy and recon all around your forces and deep into enemy territory. As your air presence grows you'll want to add units with more attack capability, and stealth carry-off-screaming-into-the-night-sky abilities. Few tactics are more terrifying to night sentries than hearing a flap of massive wings followed by a fellow sentry's horrified shrieks dopplering away into the distance.



  That being said, your first winged minion will be a bird. Just a fucking bird. No one likes to hear that, everybody wants a griffon or a gargoyle or a fucking dragon. But the truth of the matter is you're not ready for anything more ferocious that a sparrow when you're starting out so get used to it, Junior.


  Birds aren't glamorous, they're certainly not status minions, but they are the best recon artists in the air and even though I have two Undead Dragons with optional Zombie Dragonknights and lots of other air power in my employ, plain ole birds will always be the most versatile and stealthy.


 I recommend ravens, crows and starlings because they are clever, discreet and the damn things are all over the place therefore rendering them invisible for all intents and purposes.


  But when you are ready for more advanced air critters, here are some thoughts from a Dark Lord who's been there.



Griffin: Not easy to train, but make good aerial shock troops. They respond better to humane training methods unlike demons and their ilk, therefore they rarely work for hamhanded Dark Lords who don't know how to work the system and spin the narrative.


Pegasus: A bloody great ill tempered horse with wings and morals. Whoop dee doo. Fucking useless.


Hippogriff: Better than a pegasus, but even a cursory cost/benefit analysis will tell you Griffins are the better bet.


Demon: Crafty, unpredictable and always turn on you when given the opportunity. Not worth the hassle and hazard in my opinion, but then I'm not a Dark Wizard or Necromancer. I try not to have any truck with interdimensional beings when given the chance to do so.


Harpy: Any benefit these creatures bring to your air wing is quickly negated by the ceaseless chatter as they squawk, scream, sing, and cackle enough to drive a man mad. Worthless at stealth missions and not very good in a fight. Will work for booze however, which is a plus.



Flying Monkey: Surprisingly good if you can stomach the feces and masturbation. The little devils can be trained to be like small furry ninjas that can fly.


Flying Baboon: Get some of these if you have the opportunity, they're fucking awesome! Unfortunately sorta rare too.


Flying Gorilla: You can't handle a flying gorilla, son.


Dragon: Don't. Just don't. No one who has ever made a deal of any sorts with a dragon has ever walked away saying things like: "Golly, that went well." or, "Shucks, that was worth it!" Dragons are smarter than you, more powerful than you and always have some sort of agenda that frequently ends with them eating you or flaming you into an interesting carbon stain. Avoid at all costs.


Wyvern: Much more practical and economic than a fucking dragon. Stealthier too, at least at night anyways. Wyverns are pretty dumb and fairly easy to train. They're great at attacking stuff and demoralizing your enemies and can be bred without much difficulty to ensure a steady supply of replacements.

Get some!




  I hope that helps you fledgling Dark Lords out there, although not too much because at some point you'll become a rival that I must waste resources in the crushing of.


Until next time,
Dark Lord Hurderoth


His Word Law Be









































*1 Also known in LordSpeak** as DLVP, this is kind of like an equivalent to your modern day pro wrestlers' entrance music crossed with a witch burning. Something to get the fans excited/townspeople terrified.



**LordSpeak refers to the heavy use of acronyms in the Dark Lording Industry, or DLI.

Minions: You can't live with them, you can't live without them and eventually you run out of inventive ways to kill them. Or, The best minion I ever had was named Thok, he was some sort of Giant but I always forget which kind of Giant he was. Maybe a Storm Giant? Whatever. He kicked ass...

  Minions are a vital element of any efficiently run evil empire. Even the greatest of Dark Lords will quickly go insane (or insaner) trying to micromanage each and every facet of their regime. As an avatar of malice and spite, your time is simply much too valuable to spend every second of your day overseeing the destruction of your enemies and the subjugation of your ever expanding empire.


 Also if management issues begin to cut into your "me" time, you can get irritable (or more irritable) and no one likes a grumpy overlord. You may end up killing your more useful henchmen in fits of rage and while this is seen by most as business as usual, it will end up hurting morale in the long run and next thing you know, you've got an insurrection on your hands.


  And those can get messy while inevitably setting back your martial goals. Best to be avoided if at all possible.


  So, how does an aspiring Dark Lord go about obtaining useful and trustworthy minions? It's not like there's a Bootlicker Outlet Mall where one can just peruse lackeys until you find something you like at a great price. No, it's never that simple. But if you want 'simple' you shouldn't choose Dark Lord as a career path.


  Let's take a look at some of the ways you can acquire yourself some lickspittles.




1) Find someone you would like to have work for you and kidnap their family. 


    This is a very easy way to add useful personnel to your forces even if that individual may be morally opposed to your hopes and dreams of crushing the world beneath your heel. For example I once approached a very well known Healer about employment opportunities with my army and she refused me. I desperately needed healers at the time because of manpower shortages and so I captured her husband and two children.

  She remained fairly obstinate until I sent her a tasteful and classy belt pouch meticulously crafted from the skin of her only son's left leg. True story.

  She still works for me to this day. Helluva woman.



2) Recruit the surviving minions of your vanquished foes.


  No one likes to be unemployed. Starvation sucks. So after you've burned a rival Dark Lord's stronghold to the ground, scattered his armies and publicly impaled his generals, set up some job fairs or soup kitchens for his rank and file soldiers. Make them feel welcome in your better-run and much more sophisticated military machine. Let them know that the Troll Shock Troops who just went through them like Tijuana street burritos through a Canadian, could now be on their side.

  Hand out some stew, bread and lots of ale and the next thing you know, his people are flocking to your banner in droves and you're not out of pocket much.



3) Keep an open door policy for evil, murderous bastards.


  Seriously, some soldiers are so sick and twisted that even other Dark Lords won't touch them on the advice of their PR departments. Let it be known that there is no upper limit to the sickness and atrocity that you're willing to employ, provided that your conquest goals are being met.

  Best case scenario is you form a corps of heinously malevolent psychopaths that strike crippling fear into your enemies hearts and make your job easier.

  Worst case scenario is that they get so out of hand with their butchery, rape and torture that they begin to make you look tame by comparison and you end up having to put them down like rabid dogs. No harm, no foul and you got some good murder out of them before they had to be terminated.



4) Create your own Minions through dark and eldritch sorcery.


   This seems like a perfect solution to all of you henching needs, doesn't it? Just make loyal minions out of the very essence of the dark ether or transform lesser beings into something greater. Saruman did it with the Uruk-Hai didn't he?

  Well, it's never that easy, folks. Takes a metric fuck-ton of magical energy as well. I'm not really the sorcerous kind of Dark Lord anyway, I'm more of a evil genius, tactically brilliant, big picture kind of Conqueror.

  What I can tell you is that nothing created from magic is ever foolproof. Magic in and of itself is pretty dicey to begin with and narrative causality fucking loves to turn bad things into good things, mostly just to ruin your day.

   Redemption is an ugly word and I make it a point to have anyone who utters it in my presence executed in astonishingly painful ways.

  Don't hear that word much anymore.



5) Set up an advanced eugenics program among your slave population and breed tomorrow's soldiers using only the finest slaves. Indoctrinate and train those slaves from day one to be loyal, unquestioning and fucking bad ass.


  All of us Dark Lords do this to some extent, some with more success that others. The main problem with this system is that it occasionally produces a skilled, driven renegade that's smart enough to know to keep his mouth shut while he garners support among all the other highly trained, disaffected warriors your machine churns out.

  Next thing you know you've got a revolt. A seriously dangerous revolt within your military.

  I've had this happen to me once and I ended up having two halves of my army slaughter each other on the Plains of Sorrow (more foreshadowing). Got real nasty. Turns out I wasn't nearly as popular or feared as I had assumed. I was lucky enough to survive it but had to start all over again as a mere River Bully*1, reduced to beating up people who refused to pay me for using the river.

  It was fucking degrading.







  THE BEST GODDAMN  MINION I EVER HAD WAS A SOMETHING-GIANT NAMED THOK.



  Thok was unbelievably awesome. He was 30 feet tall, wielded a tree trunk for a weapon and just fucking wrecked my enemies' front lines. Fully armored paladins would fly through the air like bleeding, screaming birdseed scattered all kattywumpus about the battlefield.

  It was terrible and sublime, watching Thok swat humans about like a an enraged golfer. It was buttfucking an entire army with a 30 foot dick.

  Then one day this tiny pissant of a man challenges him to a fight and kills him with a slingstone. Seriously, a fucking rock, thrown from a sling probably woven from strips of goat scrotum or something like that, rustic and unsavory. It threw a stone with enough force to punch it's way into Thok's skull through his tear duct, a one in a million shot, as it were.

  It was a ratfuck, obvious narrative causality dicking , just like a certain religious story you may have heard of concerning a small Jew against an enormous Philistine. That famous tale is based upon my minion Thok and his improbable slaying by the hand of one astronomically lucky little hairy-footed twat.

  After he slew Thok I immediately ordered a Shock Troop full charge and captured the wee shite shortly thereafter, making him watch while my army butchered his. It's good to be a Dark Lord because I'm not really allowed to do anything honorable at all, and yet the 'good guys' are always very trusting when I seem especially sincere about a change of heart.

  In the end, I ended up using the capture of the halfling to lure three of Thok's relatives to my army with the promise of vengeance, and gave the wee prick to the Giants. Despite their massive size and lumbering aspects, they were able to keep him alive for weeks....

  Clever girls....



  They still work for me, usually in shifts though. None of them is equal to their sire, but maybe the three acting in concert could be greater in sum than their Pop. They can sure make jam out of most small bipeds....







 You Now Owe Me For My Insights,

-The Dark Lord, Hurderoth


  Be His Word Law
























*1 River Bully: One of the earliest levels of the Dark Lord class. Even earlier levels include: Lunch Room Big Kid, Aggressive Goatherd and Early Onset Megalomaniac. 

Five simple rules for aspiring Dark Lords. Or, the use of clandestine public works programs to supplant rebellions.

  There are easier ways to make a living than by being a Dark Lord, that is for certain. Blacksmith, cobbler, wine merchant and gryffin tamer just to name a few. Trust me, there have been many days where I would've given someone else's left nut to be able to just sit around in my cramped shop and knock together shoes all day. But it's sort of my family business, Dark Lording, and my Father passed on to me his respectably sized empire when I murdered him.


  He was so proud of me that day....


  But that's where my Pop made his terminal error, he broke Rule One.




Rule One: Don't have kids. 




  This should be common sense. Everyone knows that the leading cause of mortality among Dark Lords is 'Murder by offspring/trusted henchman.'*1 The universe simply can't resist the trite taste of irony, and frankly whoever is running the show has been doing reruns for thousands of years. Only the faces and names change.


  Therefore if you intend to go into the any branch of Dark Lording (Mad Emperor, Evil Sorcerer, Necromancer, Various Breeds of Meglomaniac, Usurper, Pirate King, Pharoh etc etc) and wish to eliminate an enormous amount of narrative risk, pull out. Or if you have the sufficient resources to make up the shortfall, kill your concubines after you knock them up of course. And although that's traditional, it's also very wasteful. I've adopted a policy of sterilizing all my concubines prior to ravishment.*2 It's much more sustainable and better for morale than just senselessly slaughtering them all kattywhumpus.


  Which brings me to...




Rule Two: Check your morale-o-meter frequently.





 It is the destiny of over half of all Dark Lords to be killed by insurrection within their own ranks. Tragic but true. These statistics come from the Overlord's Home Office itself and therefore are indisputable under pain of death. Personally, I believe them. They may even be too conservative. Think about it, how many sagas can you recall where the evil boss gets served some against-the-odds justice by some fucking protagonist?


  Well admittedly, there are quite a few. But for every time some dickfaced Hero kills a Dark Lord, fifteen other Lords were slain by their own side. It's the classic Conquerer's dilemma: balancing respect, hate and bowel clenching fear within the ranks of your army and subjects. It's a razor dance few Dark Lords' manage to step to for any length of time.


  Rebellion is an ugly word but it happens often. You can only slaughter so many villagers and raze so many towns before the commoners rise up against you. And while it's usually a pretty feeble effort, it draws forces away from your main objective of conquering everyone else around you.


 And occasionally they even manage to kill you! Sixth leading cause of Dark Lord mortality.


 I have found several devious and notionally evil ways of circumventing rebellion which I will detail later.*3


 Until then I give you:




Rule Three: Shock Troops are essential.





  There's nothing like a charging line of screeching, angry battle trolls with clubs waving and yam bags bouncing to and fro to really demoralize human and elf opponents. I find that the fear of getting knocked senseless by a sweaty, warty troll scrotum full of coconut sized troll balls far outweighs the fear of getting hit by their clubs.


  If you get hit by their clubs, you die. If you get hit by their ballsacks, you'll never get the smell out. Even if you survive the battle you'll be an instant pariah.





Rule Four: Don't underestimate your arch-enemy.




  Chances are you are more powerful than they are, that's usually how these things work. In fact if you're battling against an arch foe who is substantially more powerful than you then you're doing it wrong. Remember, small disparities can be overcome through trickery or subterfuge, but large disparities usually get your ass kicked and your armies broken.






Rule Five: Cultivate Superior Weapon Technology.





  Q. How did someone know that a twelve foot wide, five thousand pound draw crossbow that fires a barbed, iron bolt six feet long would be good for breaching wooden gates and palisades?



  A. They didn't. They just thought it sounded pretty promising and kept at it until they built one that didn't explode and kill everyone around it. Turns out they were right about it in the end.


  It's fucking awesome at opening gates....







  I referred to the morale-o-meter earlier and it bears mentioning again. You can of course be a slash and burn type of war obsessed Dark Lord, massacring your way from land to land and utterly subjugating the people. It's an option.


  But history shows that a policy of complete and total genocide always unites a coalition of former rivals to oppose you. In addition to that, skilled craftsmen don't grow on trees and if you kill everyone who knows how to do specialized stuff, then you're eventually going to rule a wasteland inhabited by starving idiots who couldn't make mud with a bucketful of piss.


  One of the many ways I've circumvented this whole problem is to fund various clandestine public works programs under the guise of benevolent religious orders. Sure, I still burn down plenty of hamlets, farms and fair size towns. I scatter or enslave the locals and generally put on a very good show with lots of sound, movement and color.


  Then, after my armies have departed for unlooted lands, my various puppet creeds creep into town and behind the masque of several obscure goody-two-shoes Gods, help the locals rebuild and "negotiate the release" of a portion of the enslaved populace. They then inform what passes for the surviving local government that they indeed work for me, but speaking of my cloaked benevolence is punishable by a number of truly horrific deaths.


  Boom. Problem solved. Those you allow to shadow rule on a local level are in on the secret and fucking too terrified to tell anyone. But a land ruled by someone with a basic understanding of sociology and economics tends to flourish, even if in just minor ways. You just can't let everyone find out that you're not all inventive torment and dining-in-a-forest-of-the-impaled sorta guy.


  It's image vs. substance. Yes you're an evil, murderous prick. But for the average citizen, things have been way worse than under your rule. At least you're not so inbred that you're growing teeth out of your forehead and shoulder blades.


  It goes a long way.




Cruel to be kind,

-Dark Lord

















*1 The top ten leading causes of death among Dark Lords after 'Murder by offspring/trusted henchman'


2) Death by fucking Hero.

3) Killed by demon

4) Natural Disaster. Weird but true, Dark Lords are unnaturally attracted to geologically unsound locales. They are for instance 7,836 times more likely to die from volcano than the average person.

5) Twin Sibling you thought was dead manifests destiny all over you

6) Coup d'etat.

7) Die in own Labyrinth attempting to escape a fucking Hero.

8) Dragon. Happens more than you think.

9) Fortress/Stronghold collapse. Sometimes slave labor and resentful artisans forced to work for sustenance wages build something for you that will fall on your head when you least expect it. Usually kills ya.

10) Old Age. Just kidding. Actually Bee Stings come in at number ten.







*2 And by that I mostly mean rape. As a Dark Lord, I have intimacy issues.







*3 Foreshadowing. It's something we Dark Lords do. I don't know why.

Thoughts on building fortresses, monuments and secret lairs using slave labor vs. paying skilled craftsmen. Or, What? It's just wood and thatch. Your survivors can rebuild it five minutes after my army leaves...

  I get to hear from so many people that 'Being a Dark Lord is the greatest job in the world, my Lord.' Or, 'You, my Lord, have the best occupation ever!' It gets tedious but the random executions serve to take the edge off the overwhelming banality of it all.


  What really drives me nuts is when I have to explain my empire building philosophy to the High Council of Dark Lords, or worse yet, the fucking Dark Overlord himself. Why the hells should I care if my stronghold "conforms to the aesthetic of the landscape"?  I'm not paying for the extra artisan crafted crenelations just because my choice for a Oppression Coordination Base happens to be located in some toothily eroded granite wasteland.


  I am a Dark Lord. Fuck your landscape aesthetics.


  It's practically in my job description to ignore whatever the shit I feel like ignoring. So don't act all surprised when my Desert Holdfast is constructed from the calcified bones of oceangoing leviathans which were shipped at absurd expense from the Northern Reaches.


  Which leads me to the topic of this entry. Slave labor vs. free market labor.


  Each of these has distinct advantages and disadvantages. Many people are under the impression that slave labor is the obvious route to go since you don't have to pay slaves. But I'll let you in on a little secret, slave labor ain't free. Slaves need to eat just like the rest of us and while you can of course feed them stuff that a dog would turn its nose up at, it all costs money. Not to mention a myriad of related expenses which most folks don't take into account.


  Things such as:


1) Slave acquisitions. Believe it or not most sentient creatures won't willingly sign up to be a slave of their own volition. They must be captured and forced to work. This means you must have an army of some sorts and warriors, like any skilled laborer, want to get paid. Try not paying your army or providing opportunities for them to loot, pillage and rape and you'll soon find you have no army. Three hots and a cot only get you so far...


2) Wear and tear on whips alone can be ruinous to an underfunded Dark Lord. Add in to that maintenance and upkeep of weapons and armor, which is a skilled labor that 99% of slaves are incapable of performing and the costs to sustain a reasonably efficient Fortress Building Machine can quickly become overwhelming.


3) Feeding your slaves. Sure you can feed your slaves on the corpses of their expired comrades, everyone does that. Protein ain't cheap. But most races of slaves have dietary needs that force you to include other ingredients in their feed and failure to do so will result in them dying prematurely and in greater numbers than is convenient for your fortress construction deadlines. Who would've thought that a successful empire could be lost or won for want of a few carrots? The devil is in the details, my friends.


4) Revolts. You'll get them. Even the best run Empire will eventually have to deal with slave or peasant revolts. It's annoying and a waste of costly resources, but hey, it's gonna happen. The narrative causality of the universe can't resist inserting a Hero where it's least welcome. It's a classic story and you can't fight stories, you just have to stamp them out mercilessly and with a lot of fire before they take root.


5) Organization. You try keeping 10,000 dumbfuck, half starved slaves working efficiently and not at cross purposes and let me know how that works out for ya. You have to have so much infrastructure in place to even contemplate a slave workforce, that it's seldom the most productive business model for a fledgling Dark Empire to follow. Aspiring Dark Lords are usually in way over their heads.




  Skilled Labor, why not go that route?


  You are going to need skilled laborers, no ifs, ands or buts about it. The average slave who is adequate for hauling blocks of stone or carrying woven baskets full of iron ore can't logically be expected to know the difference between a bodkin point and a meathook, much less how to make make either. Since you can't run an army whose spearpoints shatter against wooden shields, you must employ skilled craftsmen at all times.


  The problems inherent in this are:


1) Guilds and Labor Groups. Since many of these craftsmen have skills that take years to learn, you can't just torture and kill them all willy-nilly. Well, you can of course, you're a Dark Lord and it's expected of you, but they become incredibly hard to replace if you keep killing them and your Empire suffers because of it.


2) Funding schools for the skill sets your Empire requires: Cripplingly expensive and a vast drain on resources that could be better spent on acquiring more concubines for you. But your domain will always need people who know how to make chain mail, how to temper a blade and how to make wagon wheels that don't break every other pothole. Your average pleasure slave knows nothing about any of these things, thus you have to be prepared to pay wages.


3) Payed labor is cost prohibitive. If you have to pay each and every laborer an honest days wages then you're fucked. A paid laborer is still more expensive than a slave no matter which way you slice them.



  Therefore the prefect business model for a Dark Empire is a slave labor force salted with certain hard-to-replace skilled artisans who enjoy a certain amount of latitude in their decision making processes predicated on your indulgence.


  Read and learn aspiring Dark Lords, I have much to teach..



-Dark Lord Herdoth

                                             I enjoy uncomfortable hats.