Dungeon Parade Magazine is the premiere monthly dedicated to profiling up and coming Adventuring locations. Just a blurb in DPM can boost a Haunted Ruin or Desolate Fortress's profile by several orders of magnitude. An in depth article could make it an instant hit.*1
It took me ages to ensure this happened. Manipulating primitive media isn't as easy as you'd think. You end up having to invent new ways of communicating with large amounts of people outside of burning their towns down and smacking them in the knee with a mace as they try to flee past you, which gives you the opportunity to relay your message as they writhe in pain.
Captive fucking audience. Just not very efficient in terms of mass media, the most important tool of a successful despotic ruler.
I currently hold 23 slots on the Dungeon Parade Magazine's "All-Time Top 100 Dungeons, Ruins, Citadels, Deathmazes, Labyrinths and Places to Loot" list. This includes #'s 2,3,5 and 7 in the Top Ten only because as Editor At Large I decided to let someone else win for a month or two. Makes it seem like there's more of a competition going on.
Heroes and Related Tradesmen devour my publication, it's considered the industry standard for profiling new Adventuring Destinations. It brings in flocks of aspiring protagonists whose opinions of their skills and levels write checks that their talent and equipment can't cover.
This equals profit for me and the failures of even B-List Hitters only enhances my Location's reputation.
That being covered, let's get into the meat of this installment's stew: My Top Ten Adventure Destinations as ranked by a publication I founded and still exert almost total editorial control over.
Should be fun......
#88) Haunted Howe of the Barrow-Wraith: Introductory level horseshit for weak ass noobs. As you progress as an Adventure Theme Park Builder you'll find that sometimes numbers trump levels in the profitability sector. There will always be far more level 1-5 wannabes than there are 20th level badasses to exploit and fleece as part of your business model. It's kinda like selling hamburgers; you'll make way more money selling 10,000 cheap ass burgers than you will selling 1000 premium ass burgers for a much higher price.
#59) The Canyon of the Arachnid King: One of my first real hits and still making good money for me even after 30 years. The real key to success for me was learning to breed and train my own giant spiders rather than pay the exorbitant fees the Guild of Giant Spider Wranglers charged for their services. This took a while to get past the learning curve, but was well worth it in the end.
Watching a giant spider I had raised by my own hand lay it's eggs in the chest cavity of their former Guild Master was really all the payment I needed, but the money's nice too.
#41) The Wading Pools of the Gay Minotaur Lord: Hey, don't judge. It makes me a fuckton of money while rarely killing anyone. I like to pretend I don't know what goes on there, in fact my PR dept insists on it, but I'm not out of touch with what I refer to as "Niche Markets" and the potential income they can generate.
The lube and silly hat market from this destination alone could fund one of my minor armies for an entire campaign season.
#36 The Citadel of the Pariah Swamp King: Intermediate level suffering for anyone foolish enough to go on a swamp-based adventure. There isn't really any terrain I'd rather not quest in than swamp. Literally any other geographic circumstance is preferable to swamp.
But personal preferences aside, Swamp-based destinations are easy to stock; hire a bunch of Lizardmen, bring in a few giant constrictors and maybe a mega-gator or two, sprinkle liberally with gold and magic items and let it marinate in all the natural misery a Swamp generates for free. Voila, a bug infested, wet and stinky adventuring locale where hopeful Heroes can endure discomfort and hardship before finding a way to get themselves killed.
I enjoy watching their torment through my iMage system. Frequently with a snack.
#29 Valley of the Werebadgers: I realize that the term 'werebadger' doesn't hold the same visceral terror as does 'werewolf' or 'werebear', but have you ever seen an angry badger? A pissed off badger will fight off an entire pack of wolves and after a poke or two, even bears will run the other fucking way. So imagine all that mammalian fury blended with the thoughtful depravity a human is capable of and you have yourself a place where would-be Heroes go to die.
Generously donating all their equipment and possessions to me of course.
It's why I keep it open.
#19 Aerie of the Prismatic Dragon: A prestigious challenge for high level douchebags, the Aerie is one of my premiere Adventure locales where level 18-22 Hitters can come take a swing at one of the rarest Dragons in the world, Matti T.
The only Prismatic Dragon currently working in the industry.
I have her under contract, but secretly we substitute a variety of stunt Hydras, shamefully painted with static polychromatic schemes, to handle most of the routine work and not unsurprisingly, no one ever notices the difference. No one who survives anyway.
This hot spot is a bit of a Hero-Burner, yet it doesn't stop them from lining up to die at Matti T's (or one of her many stunt-Hydras) talons.
So many notable Heroes have perished here that there's a three month waiting list just to get through the mountain pass to actually reach the valley. Naturally I have provided upscale accommodations for these aspirant dragon-slayers, at remote-exclusive pricing, of course.
I tend to make as much money off the mini-bars as I do the bookings....
#7 Sundered Palace of the Dread Winter Lords: A snow based Adventure for wannabe Heroes in the 10-14th level range who ideally are from ice-based nations. This destination took off when two famous Heroes got smoked while doing the "tourist"*2 thing. Served em right. +2 vs Fire Plate Mail isn't gonna cut it in a frost-based environment, you fucking Stuff-Donor.
#5 Cursed Forest of the Orc Lord: Yeah it's trite and jejune, but there are some adventure tropes that just won't die and Orcs and Forests are among them. It took me a long time and a hell of a lot of resource support to get the local Orc Chieftain, Pat, to work for me. He was concerned that his people were going to merely be slaughter-fodder for my ravening Adventure clientele and that there was no future or profit for his kind in this scenario.
I assured him that his people's continued existence was essential to the location's enduring success and that I had plans in place to prevent a band of fucking Heroes from decimating his kind. He was skeptical, which is extraordinarily shrewd for an Orc, but I alleviated his concerns the first time a well equipped and determined party rolled up against his tribe by deploying a Cave Wraith that they never saw coming.
It went through their party like malaria through 19th century Englishmen. It was far above their levels, but as a Dark Lord, I don't concern myself with niceties such as level equality or fair play. Sometimes it sucks to be a good guy and sometimes I'm the reason why that is.
After that Pat was totally on board and to this day I still invite him and his wives to various parties I throw despite how they smell.
#3 The Caves of Utter and Complete Batshit-Craziness Popular games such as Rastan and Castle Vania will illustrate how deadly tiny bats can be. And not even in a disease spreading sense, but in an immediate threat to your life sorta way despite how large and physically adept an Adventurer may be. Who would've thunk it? If you throw enough four ounce bats at even the most robust armored warrior, somehow they'll still kill him even if it's technically physically impossible for them to do so.
Doesn't matter, bats are lethal in any size. Apparently.
This fact wasn't lost on me as I was an up and coming Dark Lord. Bats could seemingly kill anything, no matter how ridiculous the situation seemed so I went all in on a cave system teeming with the little fuckers. One of the best investments I ever made. Turns out bats can kill virtually anything, despite all available evidence, in a fantasy setting.
Who knew?
#2 The Hateful Mountain Keep of the Dragon Emperor: The Dragon Emperor's name is Larry Fossman and he's a dear friend of mine*3. He's known by his moniker of The Dragon King of the Blood Fang Mountains and his Keep is legendary in the industry as being impregnable and packed with high end Artifacts and obscure Arcana, with the occasional captive Princess thrown in for nostalgia's sake.
Larry runs a tight ship. He's a master at keeping the mortality rate of his enterprise at exactly 35%, industry standard for A-List destinations and he does it all with very little supervision from me, which is refreshing. Another of his admirable qualities is a decided lack of ambition. He doesn't want my job, he can't handle my job and most importantly, he knows it.
That's why I continue to allow Larry to live; he's good at what he does and what he does is all he wants to do.
And there you have it, avid readers, my top ten grossing Adventure Locales/Hero Traps.
I hope that some of you reading this may glean some sort of insight from it, but things being what they are, I doubt it.
That being said, good luck in your evil endeavors. I await your challenge, LOL.
Yours in nearly omnipotent power,
-Lord Hurderoth
*1 I should know, I started and still have a hand in the editing of DPM, albeit through a veiled web of holding companies and editorial puppets. There is absolutely no reason why Vertical Integration shouldn't apply to a Lawful Evil outfit. In fact, it seems to be a concept that perfectly encapsulates Lawful Evil in a justifiably corporate sense.
The Chain of Command is everything, mowwa-fakka.
*2 "Tourist" refers to a high level Hero crashing a lower level installation because they are either lazy, drunk or just mining lower level loot to fund whatever habit gets them through the day.**
**I always keep a surprise on hand for these type of cunts. Imagine the astonishment of these frat-heroes when the worst opposition they expect to come across is a teenage Green Dragon and then they run into an unforeseen Chaos Hydra or some similar nasty piece of work.***
***Surprise, motherfookers!
*3 Dear Friend: An associate I haven't killed yet
