People have a mental picture of mercenaries as grizzled, poorly disciplined dudes bristling with pointed weaponry and decked out in mismatched but very cool looking armor bits, and while this is perfectly accurate in most cases, there's a whole subspecies of Specialist mercenary classes that are often overlooked.
However, there are far fewer idiots out there can can control weather or level mountains with a word. Even fewer still who can raise the dead or control demons for any length of time. What about enchanting a vorpral blade? Ever try that yourself? Did you survive?
And wizards aren't the only ones either. Healers are in great demand, even by us Bad Guys. Intrinsic problem therein is that the vast majority of really good Healers work for a pansy ass, do-gooder Gods and as such are rarely willing to work for murdering scum, such as myself, or able to access their powers if they do.
This has forced me to get creative with my Healer needs. So I started The Order of the Iron Finger, a martial arts and tantric magic driven cult of female warrior-priestesses/sex criminals that service my armies quite adequately. They are completely insane in battle and will heal the living shit out of most anything and either of these activities make them really horny.
The post-slaughter parties are legendary.
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| Battle Flag of The Iron Fingers. |
This will be a lasting testament to my brilliance as a Dark Lord, kick starting the trend of super hot female adventurers making their presence felt in a previously male dominated industry. My legacy. Well one of my legacies anyway...
So, spell-twats.
What kind do you need?
It depends on the application. For the truly ignorant among the readership, allow me to elaborate on the various species of magic user generally available on the open market. Oftentimes your budget will dictate what kind of cantrip cunts you can afford, or what level thereof. I've found it's best to be willing to pay top gold piece to hire the very best. Mediocrity is not a desirable trait in a wizard.
And if they betray or fail you in any way, you must have the gumption to kill them for it no matter how long it takes or what resources you must expend in achieving this end. If you manage to pull this off once or twice, even high level mance-holes will think twice before trying to pull a fast one on you.
Illusionist: Everyone's first starter-mage. Basically worthless if you're facing any kind of quality foe. Why have someone create the appearance of a fucking dragon when you can have a real one? Illusionists are for amateurs. They're much more affordable to employ than a mage with the power to do anything an Illusionist can mock up for you and as such are only effective against very weak minded enemies.
They do have their uses, but only as a part of a comprehensive team of thaumic commandos, not as your only magical asset. If an Illusionist is the best you can do, then most of this journal will be useless to you for advice because I can no longer relate to anyone as weak as you.
Summoner: Need a demon? How about a wraith or other spectral servant? Then a Summoner is the mage for you! These idiots specialize in summoning entities from other realms, primarily demons, but ghosts and spirits too because sometimes a good haunting will do the trick. Like any other class of magic user, talent and experience levels will vary greatly, so check their references, it's really, really important with these guys as an out of control demon can ruin your day.
Conjurer: Like a Summoner, but primarily for inanimate objects. Useful mostly in the manufacturing aspect of your empire, Conjurers aren't really frontline type of mercenaries, they specialize in support. I don't bother anymore, I can afford Dwarven Artificers and Enchanters.
Enchanter: These types wholly specialize in enchanting magic weapons and items. If you need a sword that can kill thirty dudes with a single swing, you'll require an Enchanter. Want a stick that can hurl giant, flaming bears at people? Hire a bad ass Enchanter.
Better have deep pockets or a valuable hostage though, because they don't come cheap.
Warmage: The Shit. A high level Warmage is usually a Dark Lord in his own right. A fair percentage of my former rivals were Warmagi. A man who can wipe out a respectably sized army with a single spell is a man who generally gets his own way. That being said they are more often than not Chaotic in nature and generally don't care to be in charge of anything because it's hard and requires attention to detail. As a result, many deep levelled Warmagi are like rock stars; they show up to various locations, do their job and move on. They get bored easy.
A veteran Warmage commands insanely high prices, but if you can afford it-do it. They can make your problems disappear in a giant fiery cloud of screaming, exploding former enemies that is not only demoralizing to any potential future rival, but an excellent opportunity for your army to enjoy some Victory S'mores.*2
Necromancer: Got a thing for zombies? Always envisioned yourself commanding an army of skeleton warriors? Then if you're NOT a Necromancer, you're gonna need to hire one, because that's what they DO. Shit with dead things. Having dead stuff fight for you is incredibly economical, in fact most of your operating budget would go to the Necromancer(s) who made it possible. You don't have to feed, arm or discipline the undead and they don't care if there's good pillage or not.
In some ways they're the ideal troops, especially if you're going after another Dark Empire who are likely to be short in the righteous, undead slaying cleric category.
Pyromancer: Fire Mage. Do you get a chub when your enemies are running around engulfed in flame, shrieking like things that are on fire should shriek? Then guess what you should look for, aspiring Dark Lord? A fucking Pyromancer. A Burny-Wizard. A Pyre-Witch.
They have a thousand names because let's face it, fire and the control thereof, is sweet.
A Pyromancer is really just a specialist of the Elementalist class, and the most popular one at that. Seriously, unless you're a Pirate Lord, who needs a fucking Water Mage? An Air Mage or Earth Mage have their uses, but for clearing the trenches you go with the flame thrower, boyo.
Druid: So if you need raspberry bushes and various forest vines to fight on your side, you hire a Druid. Would you enjoy boring your enemies to death with incredibly long winded stories about shit no one cares about? Druid*3. Your quest depends on communing with random woodland creatures? Druid.
Other than that, spend your money elsewhere.
Witch: If you're fighting in a swamp or forest and a witch is available, hire her. If he's a dude, then he's technically a warlock and they're never as good as their female counterparts so avoid him. Get yourself a good ole green faced, broom ridin, hook nosed, pointy hat wearin fucking Swamp/Forest Witch. They're more devious than an Ex-Lax smoothie. Vindictive as shit too. Whereas your average Sorcerer is more professional, cool, calculated and unlikely to let personal feelings impede their work, Witches in general take shit real personal and are likely to go all work-for-free-Vendetta mode on someone who annoys or bests them. Sometimes on a generational scale.
Sorcerer: Your classic jack-of-all-trades wizardry guy. Can do lots of different disciplines of magic with varying degrees of success. Generally good at death and mayhem if necessary, but more or less the 'Handyman' of the spell weaving set. Normally morose, skinny men in skullcaps but I don't want to stereotype.
Alchemist: You gotta have one of these, but be careful because most of them are either already insane or well on their way there due to the varied noxious fumes they inhale regularly. But if you can find a competent, stable one, hire 'em. Potions are a mainstay of any well stocked dungeon and as the operator of many successful destination adventuring locales, I can tell you that a good alchemist will pay for themself many times over in the course of a fruitful relationship provided they don't blow themselves up first/force you to kill them for whatever reason.
And if you're smart, like me, you'll not only stock your hero-traps with above average potions as reward-bait, you'll make sure those kick ass potions contain a healthy dose of a designer narcotic*4 that only your alchemist knows the recipe for. This will ensure much repeat business from adventurers you allow to survive.
It keeps the economy circulating.
There you have it, aspiring Dark Lords, some sound advice on the merits of magic-mungs. Do your research and don't be a gullible fuckstain and you should be fine. Always hire within your means. Or employ treachery, whatever's more convenient.
Yours in diabolicalness,
Lord Hurderoth
His may law be word?
*1 The term "Wizard" is a generic name broadly applied to specialists in the use of magic. It isn't actually a class designation in and of itself and although any subclass of spell-tosser could if he or she so chose, call themselves a "wizard", most of them would rather die than do so because in magical circles the word 'wizard' is equivalent to a racial slur. As is 'magician'.
*2 Victory S'mores: Whenever I'm on campaign, I make sure no less than six ox carts in my baggage train are loaded with several tons of a mildly dark chocolate and graham crackers. Then, when my army achieves a victory, I have several tons of fresh marshmallows flown in by dragon so my troops can enjoy their fourth favorite thing after killing, pillaging and rape.
They love their s'mores, the rascals.
*3 Or a Bard. Same difference.
*4 I call my designer narcotic Glory. Ridiculously addictive.
