As my career progresses in my chosen field, I frequently look back on all the choices, decisions and quirks of fate that brought me to where I am today. From privileged Heir Apparent to a fair sized empire who ended up pissing it away through inexperience and sheer arrogant stupidity, to a Village Bully where I had to start all over again from the bottom, taxing people to use my river.
And all the way to the present where I rule a massive, profitable Empire and have transformed myself from Merciless Despot to Ultra-Successful BusinessLord. Sure I kill a lot less people and burn fewer cities to the ground, but ultimately I make a fuck ton more money and have a happier populace, which should be a goal of every Dark Lord with a shred of common sense. A reasonably content populace really cuts down on your insurrection factor which allows you time to focus your attention on building your holdings, both geographically and economically.
A famous predecessor once said "Feel free to subjugate, just throw in some cake every now and then."
Which is true. I took his advice rather literally and decreed that from now on in my realm, every Friday is Free Doughnut Friday*1. Haven't had an uprising since. In fact my people became so calm that I now finance and arm several resistance movements within my lands just for appearances sake.
You can't have too peaceful a populace or the other Dark Lords will make fun of you.
Several circumstances have led to my current position, chief among them being that I have simply run out of bordering lands that I care to conquer. I've got all the good stuff already so further expansion would be just conquering for conquering's sake, the martial equivalent of masturbation.
Geographically here's my situation:
To the North: Hundreds of miles of frozen mountains teeming with Giants, Yetis, Ice Dragons, Snow Dwarves and Mammoths and who the fuck knows what else, all looking to kill and/or eat your army.
To the West: Water. Lots of it. Trade with other nations across a vast ocean and am pleased they are so far away. Makes invading my lands as logistically nightmarish to contemplate as invading theirs seems to me.
To the South: A swamp so massive that the few Adventurers that have traversed it and lived to tell the tale have all stated that right after the swamp ends there's about three miles until a bigger one starts.
To the East: Steppes and deserts. Vast empty landscapes dotted with roving herds of small, angry men mounted on horseback or giant two legged chicken-things that shoot arrows at anything that moves. And to the southeast, endless networks of sand dunes packed with Crazy Nomads, Giant Scorpions and deranged Wind Elementals.
As you can see, I'm fresh out of desirable real estate in the conquer-with-iron-boots market. I have however taken the liberty of absorbing some small islands in the Western Sea into my empire, but only as waypoints for my trade fleet and occasional R&R trips for my more valued minions. And rather than subjugating the indigenous people and occupying their little isle, I more or less bought the property from them and employed them to build and run the resorts for my troops. It was a win win for all involved, especially considering the alternative which would have included lots of burning and killing with a generous side order of rape.
These islands are living proof that a modern, progressive thinking Dark Lord can have enormous positive impact on small local economies. The Prostitution Sector and Service Industry in particular are through the roof with no ceiling in sight. A fair amount of my naval force's time is spent guarding shipments of booze and cooze destined for the "Party Isles".
Another facet in the evolution of my job description is that I'm making far more money and having a lot more fun in the Bespoke Adventure market. Sure wading ankle deep in blood amidst the flaming remains of an enemy's hold is a swell day out, but eventually you just get tired of breaking-in new boots. And since only southerners wear sandals, it only stands to reason that conquering all before you can get kinda old.
So much effort...
The way I look at it is that it's way easier and a lot more profitable to let the money come to you instead of chasing it all over a continent. Building a better herotrap and whatnot.
And the beauty of it all is that it works. Idiot Adventurers from all over the world will flock to your Vile Ruins if you build something that will kill roughly 50% of them while allowing the others lots of opportunities for leveling up and enrichment. Would be Heroes can't resist a well constructed death trap sprinkled with some nifty magic items and lots of gold. They're like salt licks for armored and bearded deer.
I've learned from experience that branding your death traps is an essential marketing tool. No one wants to go explore 'those ruins over there by that tree' when they could try their luck in 'The Haunted Ruins of the Black Sorcerer WaithLord' *2
What's the point of planning, building and stocking a sweet-ass installation for random axe-dorks and wand-twats to blunder around in if you don't give it an ominous and cool sounding brand name? Seriously, no amount of pathos or melodrama is too much for your purposes when naming a new adventuring hot spot. These hero types eat it up.*3
One of my first big successes was The Canyon of The Arachnid King™. It seemed so simple when I thought of it, and spiders were hot back in those days. What I didn't realize at the time was that the cost of importing giant spiders and paying the hundreds of arachnid wranglers at Guild rates was fucking ruinous.
Lucky for me some big name hitters tried their luck and failed which ensured the success of the enterprise early on. Nothing boosts an adventure locale's profile like creaming a prominent Hero or two.
So, because I'm drunk now and wish to partake of my harem, I'm going to end here. You aspiring Dark Lords and Lordettes out there really should be paying me for these insights, but I'm letting them go in the spirit of friendly competition. Use my advice, grow your domain and then fucking bring it.
It's about time I ruined some boots....
Your Theme-Labyrinth Mogul,
Lord Hurderoth
Maybe Law His Word
*1 Those caught spelling it "Donut" are subject to execution in a variety of horrible fashions. There have to be rules....
*2 For character levels 9-12
*3 True story: I grew up with this kid Jimmy, sorta a hostage-prince kinda deal my Father made with an enemy to insure their loyalty. Jimbo and I became friends as we grew up together in Father's court and when Jimmy's Pop died my Dad released him back to his homeland to fulfill his destiny. In the fullness of time we both became Dark Lords (with varying degrees of success) and we stayed in touch by carving messages into each others captured spies and sending their bodies back home.
Aaaannny way, Jimmy caught onto branding early, but never developed the knack for catchy, commercially appealing names. I remember the very first island complex he built, he dubbed "Sinister Syphilis Isle". Sure it sounds scary, but for all the wrong reasons. And yes, it totally tanked.
His next effort wasn't much better, "The Blood Caves of the Subterranean Hermaphrodite Vampire Lichs" was a commercial failure, but remains open to this day in a much reduced capacity, catering to a.....specialty market.
He never could understand why his attractions never paid for themselves and, ultimately, failed. I tried to give him some pointers but his lack of intelligence made this a fruitless endeavor and over the years we grew apart as my armies slaughtered his.
I was really sad when I had to have him assassinated.
