There are easier ways to make a living than by being a Dark Lord, that is for certain. Blacksmith, cobbler, wine merchant and gryffin tamer just to name a few. Trust me, there have been many days where I would've given someone else's left nut to be able to just sit around in my cramped shop and knock together shoes all day. But it's sort of my family business, Dark Lording, and my Father passed on to me his respectably sized empire when I murdered him.
He was so proud of me that day....
But that's where my Pop made his terminal error, he broke Rule One.
Rule One: Don't have kids.
This should be common sense. Everyone knows that the leading cause of mortality among Dark Lords is 'Murder by offspring/trusted henchman.'*1 The universe simply can't resist the trite taste of irony, and frankly whoever is running the show has been doing reruns for thousands of years. Only the faces and names change.
Therefore if you intend to go into the any branch of Dark Lording (Mad Emperor, Evil Sorcerer, Necromancer, Various Breeds of Meglomaniac, Usurper, Pirate King, Pharoh etc etc) and wish to eliminate an enormous amount of narrative risk, pull out. Or if you have the sufficient resources to make up the shortfall, kill your concubines after you knock them up of course. And although that's traditional, it's also very wasteful. I've adopted a policy of sterilizing all my concubines prior to ravishment.*2 It's much more sustainable and better for morale than just senselessly slaughtering them all kattywhumpus.
Which brings me to...
Rule Two: Check your morale-o-meter frequently.
It is the destiny of over half of all Dark Lords to be killed by insurrection within their own ranks. Tragic but true. These statistics come from the Overlord's Home Office itself and therefore are indisputable under pain of death. Personally, I believe them. They may even be too conservative. Think about it, how many sagas can you recall where the evil boss gets served some against-the-odds justice by some fucking protagonist?
Well admittedly, there are quite a few. But for every time some dickfaced Hero kills a Dark Lord, fifteen other Lords were slain by their own side. It's the classic Conquerer's dilemma: balancing respect, hate and bowel clenching fear within the ranks of your army and subjects. It's a razor dance few Dark Lords' manage to step to for any length of time.
Rebellion is an ugly word but it happens often. You can only slaughter so many villagers and raze so many towns before the commoners rise up against you. And while it's usually a pretty feeble effort, it draws forces away from your main objective of conquering everyone else around you.
And occasionally they even manage to kill you! Sixth leading cause of Dark Lord mortality.
I have found several devious and notionally evil ways of circumventing rebellion which I will detail later.*3
Until then I give you:
Rule Three: Shock Troops are essential.
There's nothing like a charging line of screeching, angry battle trolls with clubs waving and yam bags bouncing to and fro to really demoralize human and elf opponents. I find that the fear of getting knocked senseless by a sweaty, warty troll scrotum full of coconut sized troll balls far outweighs the fear of getting hit by their clubs.
If you get hit by their clubs, you die. If you get hit by their ballsacks, you'll never get the smell out. Even if you survive the battle you'll be an instant pariah.
Rule Four: Don't underestimate your arch-enemy.
Chances are you are more powerful than they are, that's usually how these things work. In fact if you're battling against an arch foe who is substantially more powerful than you then you're doing it wrong. Remember, small disparities can be overcome through trickery or subterfuge, but large disparities usually get your ass kicked and your armies broken.
Rule Five: Cultivate Superior Weapon Technology.
Q. How did someone know that a twelve foot wide, five thousand pound draw crossbow that fires a barbed, iron bolt six feet long would be good for breaching wooden gates and palisades?
A. They didn't. They just thought it sounded pretty promising and kept at it until they built one that didn't explode and kill everyone around it. Turns out they were right about it in the end.
It's fucking awesome at opening gates....
I referred to the morale-o-meter earlier and it bears mentioning again. You can of course be a slash and burn type of war obsessed Dark Lord, massacring your way from land to land and utterly subjugating the people. It's an option.
But history shows that a policy of complete and total genocide always unites a coalition of former rivals to oppose you. In addition to that, skilled craftsmen don't grow on trees and if you kill everyone who knows how to do specialized stuff, then you're eventually going to rule a wasteland inhabited by starving idiots who couldn't make mud with a bucketful of piss.
One of the many ways I've circumvented this whole problem is to fund various clandestine public works programs under the guise of benevolent religious orders. Sure, I still burn down plenty of hamlets, farms and fair size towns. I scatter or enslave the locals and generally put on a very good show with lots of sound, movement and color.
Then, after my armies have departed for unlooted lands, my various puppet creeds creep into town and behind the masque of several obscure goody-two-shoes Gods, help the locals rebuild and "negotiate the release" of a portion of the enslaved populace. They then inform what passes for the surviving local government that they indeed work for me, but speaking of my cloaked benevolence is punishable by a number of truly horrific deaths.
Boom. Problem solved. Those you allow to shadow rule on a local level are in on the secret and fucking too terrified to tell anyone. But a land ruled by someone with a basic understanding of sociology and economics tends to flourish, even if in just minor ways. You just can't let everyone find out that you're not all inventive torment and dining-in-a-forest-of-the-impaled sorta guy.
It's image vs. substance. Yes you're an evil, murderous prick. But for the average citizen, things have been way worse than under your rule. At least you're not so inbred that you're growing teeth out of your forehead and shoulder blades.
It goes a long way.
Cruel to be kind,
-Dark Lord
*1 The top ten leading causes of death among Dark Lords after 'Murder by offspring/trusted henchman'
2) Death by fucking Hero.
3) Killed by demon
4) Natural Disaster. Weird but true, Dark Lords are unnaturally attracted to geologically unsound locales. They are for instance 7,836 times more likely to die from volcano than the average person.
5) Twin Sibling you thought was dead manifests destiny all over you
6) Coup d'etat.
7) Die in own Labyrinth attempting to escape a fucking Hero.
8) Dragon. Happens more than you think.
9) Fortress/Stronghold collapse. Sometimes slave labor and resentful artisans forced to work for sustenance wages build something for you that will fall on your head when you least expect it. Usually kills ya.
10) Old Age. Just kidding. Actually Bee Stings come in at number ten.
*2 And by that I mostly mean rape. As a Dark Lord, I have intimacy issues.
*3 Foreshadowing. It's something we Dark Lords do. I don't know why.
